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Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Things That Run

Have you ever felt like people don't take you seriously because you don't have a face? If the answer to this question is no, then I would be willing to bet that you, dear reader, are NOT a meteorite with a talent for playing the drums that fell to earth in order to become the crucial last third of the mystical power pop trio known as Evil Wiener. Chuck, on the other hand, fits this description perfectly and has in fact often felt a lack of respect due to his lack of a face.

In order to remedy this situation, Chuck, ever the problem solver, installed a faucet precisely where one would expect to see a nose. It looks killer too. It has improved Chuck's outlook immensely and we here at Evil Wiener HQ are very happy about it, and we know that you at home are too.

So, in order to celebrate Chuck's fantastic triumph, we would like for you to stop what you are doing and do the running man for five seconds. Go ahead, you know you look great when you do it...so give the world what it wants. Do the running man right now.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

From His Royal Head

People are always talking about how the Polish Dime is the coolest section of town, so today we decided to go there. We were in luck, because the residents of the Polish Dime were celebrating the fact that their prince had just recieved his first hair cut. The first order of the party was for everyone to eat dinner four times. Following this we listened as the community elders told us the story of how the Polish Dime was originally an orphanage for squirrels, and then we ate dinner again. Once everyone was good and full, the prince himself had to free style a rap about what it was like to get his hair cut for the first time. The DJ kept the beat fresh and we spent the rest of the evening River Dancing. Man, the Polish Dime really is the coolest. Whoa.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Academy of Tears

A few days ago I began to feel rather flat. Smushed. Constricted. It all came to a head when I went to a nearby pond the other night. I was staring into the water when unanticipatedly there was a plop in the water as a bobber fell from the air into the water, making it ripple in uncannily structured patterns. The line from the bobber led up to the moon, which was a sickle shape. There was a boy sitting in the crescent dangling a fishing pole. Music started playing, I felt completely two dimensional, and I realized that this was the beginning of a major motion picture. So, I played my part, and I calcitrated posterior. I was so good that I won an Oscar. I was very excited about this until I realized that Oscar was crying.

"What's wrong lil pal" I asked.

"I need some clothes. Just because I'm a statue doesn't mean that I have no dignity" was his reply.

So, I took Oscar to the Wardrobe Wagon and hooked him up. He was so enamored with the affordable fashions that Wardrobe Wagon had to offer, that he ended up getting a job there.

Even though he was technically my oscar, I knew he'd be happier in the fashion industry than sitting on my mantle, so I bid him a fond adieux.

Monday, March 14, 2005

The Great Gummy Prophet

At approximately 3:17 (42 seconds) this afternoon, a prophet appeared before me and said;

"Be still my son. For by the end of this post ye shall have used the phrase "up in here" two and a half times, and say it not with any hint of an African American inflection. Speak with your own voice, my son, only with your own voice."

He then hailed a cab and headed out to Red Lobster for some fried clam strips.

Soon, Chuck came along with a shoe box full of gummy worms and asked if I could hold on to them. Now, as probably is the case with nearly anyone reading this blog, when you run into me at 3:20 (19 seconds) in the afternoon, you can bet that my arms are already full of gummy lunch packs. Being as this was the case, I balanced the shoe box on my head and headed on down the road where I ran into Groves who said;

"Hey Billy, do you have any gummy worms?"

"Yes" was my reply.

"Where are they?" asked Groves as he began eyeing the gummy treats in my hands.

"Up" I said rolling my eyes towards the shoe box on my head "Up, in here".

Groves quickly relieved me of the box and went on his merry way.

I then decided to change my name to Upin just as my cell phone rang. Naturally I answered it and said;

"Hello. Upin here."

It was my Great Uncle Reginald Sugarfix. Now, I haven't heard from him in about 5,672 years so naturally, I'm wondering what the Sam Hill is going on up in

Saturday, March 12, 2005

An 8 Sided Die's Birthday Surprise

I woke up this morning in complete darkness and whenever I moved I heard a crackling sound that let me know that I was surrounded and dare I say constricted by some sort of paper. No sooner had I reached this conclusion than I heard the strains of happy birthday coming from the world beyond my tree pulp prison. And no sooner had I recognized this classic anthem of annual ascent than I heard a ripping sound and was nearly blinded by the deluge of light that poured over me.

I was then scooped up by a giant 8 sided die who immediately said: "No, not this one. This isn't what I wanted for my birthday.

I was then put into a rather large grocery bag and soon found myself on a shelf in a store with a price tag on me that said $62,146.

Luckily Chuck ventured along and had the cash on him to spring me from this mess and I'm very happy to be currently nestled in the Cave and am hoping that some Organic Huoshan Yellow Sprouting Tea will magically appear before me.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

The Optometrist's Belt

Once a month or so, we all return to the magical rock quarry from which our band came. If you are the type of person that likes to understand anything to any degree at all, I would suggest that at this point you go back and read the first two posts to this blog, entitled "Evilution Part 1" and "Further Evilution". If, however, you are the type of person that can be content to know that Groves is a six foot plus bass playing catfish who lives in an aquarium in a cave with myself (Billy Sugarfix), a mouse, and a meteorite named Chuck who plays drums, then praytell, continue. We go to the quarry in order to collect some of its water to fill Groves' aquarium, so that he can live in as much comfort as possible.

On this particular trip Chuck, Groves, and I enlisted the help of Beatrice, a self propelled bicycle, who pulled a cart which housed a number of big glass jugs that we planned to put the water in. Groves also carried two of the glass jugs on his back as we trudged past the black ruins of Thrumcap and Coil's.

When we were about a mile from the quarry, we experienced an odd eclipse in which the constellation Orion came to life and stood in front of the sun. The stars from his belt sent down a beam that knocked the jugs from Groves' back and melted them. After accomplishing this, Orion stepped away from the sun, closed his eyes, bit his lower lip and raised the roof for several seconds before taking back his normal place in the sky. The melted jugs had an odd violet glow to them and lay in neat globs on the ground. It was a shame to leave them, but we had to continue.

As we approached the quarry we heard loud low pitched moans. As we got closer, it became obvious that something somewhere was crying.

"Great Books Online!!!" said Groves as he approached the edge of the quarry and looked with disbelief into it.

Chuck and I looked and saw, in the middle of the lake, a large serpentlike creature with a bulbous middle and prehistoric head.

"What's wrong yo?" asked Chuck.

The beast turned its hulking head towards us and spoke;

"Aye Laddies, 'tis much that's troublin' me indeed."

"Are you Irish" I asked.

The creature responded with a slew of words that I'm not really sure of, but from them I gathered that he was not Irish, but Scottish.

"Well" said Groves "Are you crying because people think you're Irish?"

"Noooo. Indeed I'm not. I'm cryin' because nobody believes in me anymore" said the beast as it unleashed another torrent of tears.

"Well, we believe in you" said Chuck.

"Yeah" said I.

"Darn tootin'" said Groves.

The monster squinted at us and said;

"Aye, and a fine day 'tis when the famed Loch Ness Monster must rise blubberin' to the surface of a rock quarry half way 'round the world from his home so that someone will believe in him. But I thank ye none the less laddies. Ye've made me feel a whole heap better. Now, if only me poor old eyes could see like they used to"

"You have problems seeing?" asked Groves.

"Aye" was the reply.

"I think I have an idea, said Groves, who hopped on Beatrice the Bicycle and sped off in the direction that we'd come from. In just under a minute, he returned with the melted glass that resulted from Orion's little prank. In no time at all we had used the materials in and around the quarry to fashion Nessie a pair of glasses using the odd violet glass as the lenses.

"'Tis though me eyes had been scrubbed clean o' the years" said Nessie "All the best to ye laddies. Ye'll let me know when ye're playin' then."

The famed monster then dove beneath the surface, and with renewed vision he made his way by some secret corridor back to the legendary Scottish lake.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Farewell My Funnel Cake

I was incredibly excited when I recieved an invitation to go to the birthday party of the pretty little funnel cake who I had first met at the rock quarry and who later came to see Evil Wiener play. I followed a handwritten map that led me through a forest of honeysuckle to a giant apple tree. All of the apples made a magical jingling sound when they shook, and just ten paces to the right of the tree was her house.

Oh what a party. The Funnel Cake met me at the door and introduced me to the tooth fairy , who kept threatening to tell us how all of the movies we ever wanted to see had ended. Also in attendance were at least seven smurfs, and a pig in a cheerleader's outfit along with various unidentifiable sprites and a talking kitten who was interested in performance art.

Soon, the party dwindled, but the funnel cake did not. She took me on a journey into a world of hypnotic sounds and bright colors that lasted for 605 days. We ate popsicles made of frozen orange juice and honey. We made movies. We sang songs. We read stories to eachother.

Finally the Funnel Cake said she had to go. I wanted to ask her why, but instead I just watched as she disappeared behind the swingset from my childhood home.

Tell her hello if you see her. She will smile at you and make you feel really good about yourself.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

South of Lake Constance

Groves finally returned from China with enough Won Ton soup to feed a small country. So, without delay, we all hopped on Chuck's stilts and headed for Liechtenstein and had a big ole soup party. In Liechtenstien the Macarena is just catching on, which is cool as Chuck never learned how to do it, but not cool because Chuck is a meteorite and thus has no arms or legs. But, Chuck never ceases to amaze anyone and came through like a champ. He did the Macarena for like three and a half days before we returned home. Chuck liked the citizens of Liechtenstein so much that he decided to let them have his stilts, which will always guide their walker to secret stashes of soup located at all points of the Universe.

In return they gave Chuck a lawn mower engine, three coaxial cables, a pair of glasses, a VW Quantum Door Handle, a fresh air intake kit, five double claw clamp ISO flanges, a bag of seawood cookies, and a clock radio.