Welp. We're running a little behind here at Sugarfix Manor. I know that the last Song Poem Bizarre Lyrics Contest winner is supposed to be up today, but as you can see it is not. I'll put it up tomorrow or Wednesday. In the mean time, enjoy this:
So, I have this friend, we’ll call him Candlemas, who bought some incense which consisted merely of sawdust from the wood of a certain type of Pear Tree which grows chiefly in Caucasus, Turkey.
Although very fragrant, this incense did not burn well. Candlemas found that you needed to use an aluminum cased angle torch and a sprinkle of gunpowder to get it to light at all.
I know what you’re thinking: and in a way, it was a very bad idea. Candlemas found this out when a nearby aerosol can containing deodorant exploded. The deodorant was comprised of chemicals aplenty and a fair amount of salt from Thailand. When its chemical component ignited, the non-chemical portion shot into the air where it collided with the smoke from the burning pear tree dust and began to congeal and swirl.
This coil of particles, according to Candlemas, became more intense in both speed and density and then suddenly stopped. As though some force had pulled the universe’s emergency break, the world around him ground to a halt, and when Candlemas had recovered from the shock, he found himself staring at an opaque opossum and whether or not you pronounce the O in opossum is entirely up to you.
This opossum proceeded to tell Candlemas that since he had been freed from the trees of Caucasus and the seas of Thailand he would therefore grant one wish to the being who had unearthed the spell which had released him.
And so, my friend Candlemas soon found himself in possession of a time machine filled with money. He promptly entrusted half of the money to me, told me to treat myself to as much fine South American cuisine as I desired, and took off for the 1970s to bet on an ostrich race.
And that, dear readers, is all that we have of the story for the moment. Hopefully we’ll hear from Candlemas soon, but in the mean time I’m way behind in regards to the winning song from our Song Poem Bizarre Lyrics Contest.