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Friday, December 31, 2004

Hooves Above

There was an awkard moment of silence following this proclomation by Jackfruit. During the quiet time-either Chuck, Groves, or Jackfruit cut the cheese. I couldn’t tell who did it, but I know that it sure as turtle shells wasn’t me. Once the smell had wafted onward-the odd, oblong fruit known as Jack, spoke again.

“My fallen brothers and I are what people here call “Hedge Apples”. In some parts of the world we are even called “Zombie Eggs”. Although these titles are common, they are incorrect. I can assure you that we are neither reddish fruits that grow on trees, nor are we the unfertilized shelled yolks of the undead. In actuality, we are from Africa...

Just then, a sound like that of a retired jewelry salesman imitating a rustly fog horn by way of a jack hammer came from above us. We looked up and saw a sky filled with flying animals.


Thursday, December 23, 2004

Jackfruit's Journey

We went outside to look for the Singing Toothpick™ and found that Hedge Apples were falling out of the sky like some mutant green hale. Their corpses looked like those giant green things you put on your hands to make it look as though you have the fists of the incredible hulk, and were much the same color too.

“Oh what shall become of the mulberry family” they all said with their last breaths as they lie dying on the sidewalk and street outside of Mouse’s Cave.

“Jeeepers” said Chuck.

“Whoa” said Groves.

“Crazy” said yours truly.

“The Mulberries will live forever” said a voice that belonged to none of us three and had henceforth never been heard by the Catfish, the Meteor or myself.

We all looked over to see that one among these three foot long, 100 pound pieces of green fruit that looked like an egg with its shell gone soft, was still moving.

“Are you ok” said Groves.

“No, I’m not ok, I’ve just mysteriously fallen from the sky. I am, however, known as Jackfruit and am considerably glad to make your acquaintance” was the Jackfruit’s reply.

“I can relate. Believe me, I can relate.” Said Chuck with a knowing look on his face.

“Yup, I hit pretty hard, and I thought I was a goner until I heard that little toothpick sing. Man, that was the best rendition of “Sister Christian” I’ve ever heard. Why, I think that little Singing Toothpick™ saved my life. “ said the strange fruit known as Jack.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Sonic Tooth

Chuck, looking quite satisfied with his dental hygiene, placed the Singing Toothpick™ on the bar.

“So, you think you can sing any song I can name?” Asked Groves.

“Indeed” said the Toothpick.

“How about ‘Sonic Reducer’” said Groves.

The toothpick reared back and belted out such a great version of this punk classic that my hair spiked itself. Groves leapt from his aquarium, and then he,Chuck and yours truly began slam dancing.

After this, and at Chuck’s request, the Toothpick brought it down a notch with a right on version of “Tiny Bubbles”.

Although we’d just awakened, all three of us were lulled back to sleep. 256 days later, we woke up again to find the singing toothpick gone.

Monday, December 13, 2004

This Most Gifted Splinter

I awoke the next morning a bit later than usual, and simultaneously saw/heard that Chuck had discovered the Singing Toothpick™ I’d invented (see Flutter and Squeak) .

“So, what do you think of my latest invention?” I asked.

“It’s more killer than a Rhino on an anthill” responded Chuck. He then raised this most gifted splinter to his mouth and the sounds of Flashdance (What a Feeling) echoed inside his mouth as the remains of his last meal were scraped away from his rocky enamel.

“What’s all the racket?” Said Groves as he peered above the meniscus of the giant aquarium that housed him.

Chuck began to reply, but before the words could leave his mouth, the toothpick ceased its singing and said:

“I, sir, am a singing toothpick. I can sing any tune that you can name, and I can also free the most stubborn of food particles from your teeth.”

A wave of pride that could destroy all of Hawaii were it an actual wave in the ocean swept over me.

“That’s muh boy” I said.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

A Silent Star's Sing-A-Long

“It’s good to see you smiling” said Groves.

The world went black, words appeared, you know the routine;

“I always smile when I think about the kooky hyjinx of Tootie, Blair, Joe, and Natalie”.

“And don’t forget Ms. Garrett” chimed in Mr. Mouse.

Nosferatu’s words again dominated the room and said;

“You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life....the facts of life...

Right on cue, Mr. Mouse chirped;

“When the boys you used to hate, you date, it’s time that you investigate
the facts of life, the facts of life...

Something stirred inside, and before I knew it, all of us were singing as though angels had prompted us;

“When the world never seems, to be living up to your dreams. Suddenly you’re finding out the facts of life are all about you......

I broke down in tears under the weight of the moment-and these sobs of joy, like sirens, lured me to sleep.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

The Americanization Of Miko

Nosferatu looked at each of us, then to the floor. He took a deep breath and then began crying uncontrolably.

“Loosen up” said Chuck.

“Relax” said yours truly

“Don’t do it” said Mr. Mouse.

“Mellow out” said Groves.

The world went black again, and we read these words;

“How can I expect you to understand the pain that I feel”

“Now listen bub” said Mr. Mouse. “You think being a vampire is tough, try being a mouse. ‘Would you like some cheese? Mr. Mouse? Why are elephants scared of you Mr. Mouse?’ Sometimes just thinking about the dumb things some morons will say is enough to make my floating ribs hurt.”

Nosferatu stopped crying, looked up, the world went black, and we saw these words;

“You mean a sort of achy feeling? Right near the sternum?”

“Yeah.” said Mr. Mouse “Exactly. And the only thing that’ll relieve the pain is to watch “Facts of Life” reruns.

“You like that show?” said the white words on the black screen that appeared whenever Nosferatu opened his mouth.

“Are ceilometers  self-contained, ground-based, active, remote-sensing devices designed to measure cloud-base height at up to three levels and also potential backscatter signals by aerosols?” replied Mr. Mouse.

This time, the words were larger than sousaphones and simpler than salt;

“Yes. Ceilometers  ARE self-contained, ground-based, active, remote-sensing devices designed to measure cloud-base height at up to three levels and also potential backscatter signals by aerosols.”

Thunder clapped outside as Nosferatu smiled.

Friday, December 10, 2004

A Legend Befriended

“You really shouldn’t mess with that stuff” said Mr. Mouse to Nosferatu.

“Users are losers” said Groves.

“And at your age, your old heart just can’t take it” added Chuck.

“Let this be a lesson to you.” said yours truly.

The world went black and these words appeared;

“I know. I know it’s bad. But I used to be able to stay up all night. I would carouse, chase virgins, and feast!!!! But now, I just can’t make it past four o’clock. I’m not as young as I used to be”

“Well then” said Groves “You need to accept where you are in life. Drugs are not the answer”.

Again, we experienced total blackness, and these words;

“But it’s not easy being a vampire. All those negative stereotypes that are so outdated. ‘Can you turn into a bat Mr. Orlok? Do you howl at the moon?’ Fools. Closed minded idiots. Sure, I did some things back in the eighteenth century that I’m not too proud of. But those were different times. I’m a completely different person now. I like playing Tetris, making Prank Phone Calls, grooving to Ambient Dance Music. But does anyone know that? No. They shy from me because they are afraid I’ll suck their blood and turn them into immortal beings sworn to all things evil. All I want are friends that will accept me for who I am, and see beyond age old prejudices such as these”

“Well, you can count on us” said Groves.

“Yeah” said I.

“Darn Tootin’ “ said Mr. Mouse.

Chuck, who was still lying on the ground next to the wall at which he had been flung only moments earlier by Count Orlock, looked hesitantly at all of us.

“Awwwww, what the heck.” He said with a rocky smile.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Chuck and Orlock's Dance of Daunt

“Hey, none of that in my bar/home” said Mr. Mouse as Nosferatu sniffed away at his white powder.

Groves leapt up and out of his aquarium, landing to the right of Nosferatu. Chuck rolled over and flanked him on the left.

“I’m sorry sir, but we’ll have to ask you to leave” said Chuck.

Nosferatu hissed as he turned and lifted Chuck above his head. He growled and prepared to propel the meteor against the wall of the cave. As his arms began to move forward to make the throw- the ancient, hairless, man stopped. His eyes grew large with surprise as he dropped Chuck and clutched his chest.

Mr. Mouse lept from behind the bar and performed Reiki on the decrepit old body of Nosferatu. Soon he was better and sat in a stunned state on the floor of the cave.