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Saturday, November 25, 2006

Slippery Egress is not the name of a band.

A column blocked the doorway from which I wished to exit this morning. It was only two inches thick, but was comprised of some sort of petroleum jelly and had the look of a never ending stalactite,(or stalagmite, depending on which end you looked at first). It would have been easy to walk around, except that to the right of the column was a Banana Republic with Nuclear capabilities. To the left of the column sat Morrissey, eating a steak.

The only logical thing to do was to step right through the middle of the column and hope for the best, which I did. I had to wipe away some of the vaselinesque substance from the column and then had to shake off, rather like an old hound dog, equal parts danger and despair.

And so shake and wipe I did. All due to the inspiration that I would soon be posting to you.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

This Indian Summer Evening

Click Here For An Audio Presentation of this Post

Dear Friends and Neighbors,

I hope that this Indian Summer evening finds you all well, and that you will thoroughly enjoy this post because I had to check, clog, and crimp to get here. Yes, the obstacles were many between where I was this morning and where I am now, which is here, at the abode of my computer.

First, I encountered a maze comprised mainly of grape vines that would have been extremely difficult to navigate had I not skipped breakfast, and if I didn't have the fever for the flavor of a scuppernong . For, you see, after I ate my fill of grapes, the vines were quite empty and thin and incredibly easy to see through. Nonetheless, when I came to the end of the maze I was asked (by a gant muskadine ) for a password.

This was the first of four times today that I was asked for a password, and it was the first of four times in which I immediately yielded the correct response .

I crossed a moat full of peanut oil so that Soleil Moon Frye could solicit the second password. The third, I gave to a guinea pig on a distant planet, and the fourth I recited not ten minutes ago to this very computer, who listened intently, and hastily lead me down a trail of juji fruits to its home .

So, following the posting of this little snippet, the computer is going down town to get a haircut. He says that if I go with him he can show me how to get home without having to give a password every five minutes, which is an offer too good to pass up if you consider the moats and mazes to boot.

Well, the computer is making noises which indicate a desire to hit the road soon, so I guess this is where I will issue my valediction and bid you farewell.

I hope to soon encrypt cyber-space with another esoteric etching. But, until then, I wish you all luck in your varied endeavors.

Yours Truly,

Billy Sugarfix

Monday, October 30, 2006

A Cheer from the Cutlery

The knife and the spoon showed up today. They were famished, dirty, out of money, and as ever on the run. I've never been able to get them to explain things to me in any clear manner with regards to whether they are actually running from the Cat with the Fiddle, or if there is any real connection between them and the cow that jumped over the moon. Regardless, I'm out of patience with them. They show up looking for a quick polishing and spew all their negative crap about forks. I personally find forks much more useful than either knives or spoons and I told them so. You can bet your pineapple flavored frozen yogurt that they weren't happy aobut that. I showed them the door and told them not to return unless they were willing to be more open minded and acctepting of forks. I watched them slink away, and then turned around to a standing ovation from every fork I own. I cried (but just a little).

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Optic Hygiene

Through telepathic communications with a Cambodian forest ox named Amirault Beasly, I found out the secret to healthy eye lids. Unfortunately, it is quite an intense multi-stepped routine which begins in the morning with the ingesting of several ropes of licorice, which must have been cured for three weeks in an air-tight box full of natural toothpaste. Various exercises must be performed at intervals based on the orbital cycle of Jupiter, and one must acquire some rare leaves that only grow on trees in Round Top Texas and apply them for seven and a half minutes at the top of every hour.

Other rituals are involved, but ladies and gentlemen, I can tell you a secret that not even Amirault the Forest Ox knows. You can bypass this rigorous group of tasks and have perfect eye-lids by leaving a comment on this blog.

Yours Truly,


Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Tart Rosy Hope

To make truly wonderful pink lemonade, one must collect a portion of the white plains and mix it with a splash of the Red Sea. That is what I did today and it was DEELISH!!

I shared it with my friend, The Internet. He looked a bit sad and said to me;

"I, who am father to all of the blogs, have no blog of my own. I, who allows my space for myspace have no mp3s up. Your tube is really my tube but where are MY videos in which I lip sync a forgotten classic from the 80's?

I had no answer for him, but I did have some extraordinary Pink Lemonade. He took one sip and laughed.

"Don't worry" I said, feeling relieved that the mood had lightened. "I'll write about you in MY blog."

And, my elegant deemers of lexeme, although this story has no blockbuster ending in which the Geese are all freed by the enchanted hair brush, you will all sleep soundly knowing that I- Billy Sugarfix, have kept my word.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Les Aramaics Du Gevaudan

An undisclosed friend and I went to a "restaurant" this evening. The waitress told us that she was the first person in Rhode Island to ever have a cell phone.

"You'd have thought I'd be on TV or something. At least once." She said.

She then proceeded to point out that every item on the menu had an assigned number, and instructed us that we were to say "honk" as many times as that number indicated to order it.

I honked 4 times for Lime Aid, 7 times for a bowl of corriander, and 16 times for Farfalle with Spinach Pesto Sauce & Portobello Mushrooms.

She brought out the Farfalle with Spinach Pesto Sauce & Portobello Mushrooms, and the bowl of corriander and then she said:

"Judging by the looks of you, I'd say you didn't jump on the mobile communications bandwagon until, say ought 4 or ought 5. Me, I've been down since 88. Nobody had ever even seen a car phone where I'm from. Why, they thought I was from outter space when I would stroll through the mall chatting into my big ole Dyna Tac...

She stopped dead in the middle of the sentence and looked in horror at the table. The lime Aid was glaringly missing, and she knew it. Without so much as a twitch, she whipped out a nice little Audiovox 8910 (Camera Phone), punched one key and said;

"I've got an 804 at table 506."

And before you could have wished to brush the lint from your shoulder she was holding...not a glass...not a mug...but THE WORLD CUP! AND IT WAS FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH CITRUSY REFRESHING LIME AID!

"I got France on my voice recognition, they said it was cool if you used it until Sunday".

I nodded my approval and proceeded to enjoy my luxuriously cold beverage.

"Oui....until Sunday" I said.

In addition to an exellent wait staff, this "restaurant" boasted (and I'm sure still boasts) an extrodinary tipping policy. When finished with your meal, you are to stand up and deliver a monologue: and the height of your gratuity should match the level of commitment you have to the performance.

I recited a passage from Studies in the Aramaic Legal Papyri from Elephantine - Page 15. You can rest assured that my dear and capable waitress got MORE than her standard 20 percent.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

I Palliate

Writer's block is a dish best served with that crazy ice cream surrounded in tasty gel that you get at Sushi restaurants. The bitterness of the Writer's Block somehow reacts with the cool sweetness and becomes simply irresistable.

I am, of course speaking from experience. Not so recently I gorged myself on said delicasies and believe it or not my belly and brain are both still recovering.

What I've been doing between the present and my last post is a mystery to me. I have vague visions of Dutch acrobats and computer saavy reptiles, but there is no clear point of orgin for these thoughts.

So, my readers-you luminous balefires of joy- I again must form myself into a tense rondure and roll to your feet. Asking for what seems like the millionth time that you forgive my absence and loan me a couple of Disney Dollars.