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Saturday, June 19, 2004

Revenge of the Lemonade

On the way to the next town, Groves the bass playing catfish stopped and drank some of the water we had collected from the rock quarry. As long as he had a steady supply of it, he seemed quite content being a fish out of water. As he sipped, I turned to Chuck, a meteorite, and our band’s drummer, and said;

“Boy, you sure showed those two nincompoops. That’ll teach them to mess with Evil Wiener”

“Darn Tootin” said Chuck, who was still shedding clouds of smoke following his little trip out of our atmosphere.

“Yeah” said Groves, between sips of water “Evil Wiener is the most malleable rock and roll band the milky way galaxy has ever experienced. I just know we’ll get a gig in the next town.”

Before long, we came to a town and found a place with a big sign that said;

“Admantine’s Rock and Roll Lemonade Stand”

Chuck, Groves, and yours truly went into the building where we were met by Admantine.

“Hello Mr. Admantine. We are Evil Wiener and we have come to indeed rock. Perhaps after hearing a sample of our music, you will permit us to perform at your club.”

Mr. Admantine rolled up his pant leg and began drawing a map of Iowa on his knee with a sharpie. “This had better be good” he said.

Groves produced his bass and started us off by playing notes so low that there aren’t even names for them. Chuck joined right in, adding a beat like that of asteroids colliding. Then, it was my turn. I strummed my magical guitar, and the notes flowed like soda from a fountain. Our sound floated about the room, and for a moment I felt as though I were floating with it- and then began to sing my latest ode to a funnel cake.

Mr. Admantine cut off the power to the stage and said; “Peeeeeeeee Yew!!!! You sing like a polar bear that has been shrunk to the size of a shoe lace and dipped in a bottle of V-8 Vegetable Juice Cocktail. How dare you waste my time.”

As quickly as he had begun the song, Groves abandoned his bass and jumped behind the bar and drank every drop from every bottle, can, and cup in the club.

“My lemonade!!!!” Said Mr. Admantine. “Whatever shall I do without my lemonade.” He then called the police, who showed up as quick as you can say; “Hey, is that my tofu-burrito or are you just washing your magazine rack with jelly bean polish.”

“What seems to be the problem here” said the Police Officer.

“These jerks drank all my lemonade, now I have nothing to sell to my rock and roll customers. Arrest them. Put them in jail!”

“Which one of you drank the lemonade” asked the officer. Groves stepped forward.

“Hmmmm” said the officer. “I don't’ think we have the proper facilities to house a prisoner such as this. By the way, is that a bass guitar you have?”

“It sure is” said Groves. “Would you like to play it?”

“Don’t mind if I do” said the Police Officer.

Mr. Admantine was as mad as an ostrich with buck teeth. “WHAT ABOUT MY LEMONADE!!!! I CAN’T HAVE A CONCERT HERE TONIGHT IF THERE IS NO LEMONADE TO SELL”

“You should have thought of that before you made fun of our singer” said Groves.

“Yeah” said Chuck.

The police officer put down the bass and looked with disbelief at Mr. Admantine.

“You, sir, are disgusting. How dare you impede the path of a young rock and roll band such as this. Why I oughta.....

“Take it easy officer” said Chuck “This man is just misguided. He doesn’t understand the true meaning of rock and roll.”

“Perhaps you’re right” said the Police Officer “I guess I’ll be on my way”

Chuck, Groves, and I followed him through the exit door. I thought about sticking out my tongue at Mr. Admantine, but then I remembered what my Mother always said;

“Billy, if you ever get the chance, you should put some Grape-Nehi on the stove for a while and drink it warm. It’s really not too bad.”

“Thanks Maw” I said to myself as Chuck, Groves and I headed down the street, still searching for our first gig.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Song of the Meteorite

Song of the Meteorite

We practiced for a long time yesterday. Chuck, the drumming meteorite-and Groves, the bass playing Catfish (who wears sweat pants and a tuxedo jacket), are now without a doubt the most capable rhythm section in the history of rock music. My guitar playing sounds great because my guitar is magic and plays by itself. My voice, though not magic, is proving that it is a decent vehicle for the delivery of the lyrics that come to me mysteriously every time I think of the funnel cake that I last saw by the edge of the quarry yesterday.

This morning, I decided that Groves, Chuck, and I were ready to take our act on the road. So, we filled some jugs of water for Groves, picked up our instruments and headed down the the ole pike. We hadn’t walked too long when we came to a town with a great big building that had a sign which said “Thrum-Cap and Coil’s: Live Rock and Roll Every Night”. Chuck, Groves and I all turned somersaults in unison when we saw it.

We went inside and were met by Mr. Thrum-Cap and Mr. Coil.

“Hello” I said. “We are a rock and roll band and couldn’t help noticing your sign outside. We thought that since we are in a rock and roll band, and that your establishment features live rock and roll, that we might be able to play rock and roll live at your club.

The two men looked at each other.

“Ok” said Coil, “Let’s hear what ya got”

Chuck quickly lit into his skins and Groves wasn’t too far behind him, laying down a groove like the ones in those old slot car race tracks. I joined in and began singing.

Mr. Thrum-Cap plunged his fingers in his ears, then pointed at us and laughed. Mr. Coil signaled for us to stop playing.

“Boy, you can’t sing worth the price of a paper clip. And I don’t mean no box of paper clips neither. I mean just one. One of them little ones.” said Mr. Coil

“Get out of our club” Said Mr. Thrum-cap. “Your singing smells like a rotten avocado microwaved in vinegar”.

The two continued to point at us and laugh. I looked at Groves, and then turned to look at Chuck, but he was gone. I then noticed that he had jumped up and gone through the roof.

“What the hey” Said Mr. Coil

“Y’all are gonna pay to fix that there hole” Said Mr. Thrum-Cap.

At this point we all heard a faint whistling sound that grew louder and louder until there was a giant


As Chuck, the meteorite, came bursting through the roof -on fire and certainly not happy with Mr. Thrum-Cap and Mr. Coil.

Chuck landed with another KERBAMMMOWAMMMOBLOOMOPOW!!!!!!!

After the explosion all you could see was smoke, and when it all cleared, any fool could see that Thrum-Cap and Coil’s was completely demolished.

“That’ll teach you to make fun of our singer.” Said Chuck.

“Yeah” said Groves.

The police and the fire truck came. It took a while to put out the fire.

“Arrest this Man” Said Mr. Coil, pointing to Chuck.

“That’s not a man, that’s a meteor” Said the police officer. “ I can’t arrest a meteor. Besides, I heard that you were making fun of the way this fellow sings. That’s not very nice. If anybody should be arrested, it’s you.”

We played a tune for the nice police officer, and he complimented our music with some nice break dance moves.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Trouble at Lake Wiener

After about nine and two fifths hours of non-stop rock- Chuck, Groves and I took a breather.

"Gosh, my voice is tired" I said. "It's hard to sing without a microphone."

"What are you complaining about" said Groves "I haven't been in the water for nine and two fiftsh hours, I can barely breathe."

"Yeah" said Chuck "I don't even have any arms and I have to play drums"

"But I have to sing and play the guitar at the same time. And without a microphone I have to yell really loud to be heard over you two" I said.

"Ooooooooooooooooooh wook at the widdle singewsongwitew. ‘My voice hurts. Wahhhh Wahhhhh.’" Taunted Chuck.

We then heard a splash as Groves jumped in the water and returned with two funnel cakes. He gave one to Chuck. They both looked at me as they sniffed and ogled their tasty fried treats.

More than one can play this game, I thought as I plunged my hands into my pocket and whipped out a rainbow flavored sno-cone.

"Mmmmmm Mmmmm" I said. "Nothing like a nice sno-cone to cool you down on a hot summer day"

Chuck and Groves looked sadly at their funnel cakes and then enviously at my sno-cone.

"Say Billy" Said Groves, "You wouldn't happen to have another sno-cone for your old pal Groves would you."

"Well, I just might" I said.

"How 'bout I trade you some of my funnel cake for one" Said Groves.

"How about I give you each a sno-cone after we rock out some more"

"Deal" Said Groves.

"Ditto" Said Chuck.

"Hey guys, I'm sorry I was complaining earlier." I said.

"No problem" said Groves.

"Yeah" added Chuck "Sorry we gave the business like we did."

"It's forgotten, now who's ready to kick the oil out of the olive"

"Me!!" said Groves.

"Hooray!!!" said Chuck.

So, we cranked it up and began to mesmerize the world around us with our own original brand of power pop. I couldn't help noticing that the untouched funnel cake that lay next to Chuck had pretty green eyes.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Further Evilution

With guitar in hand I returned to the quarry the other day. I was hoping to get another glimpse of the mysterious hand that had appeared earlier in the week and given me the magic guitar. To be honest, I was hoping that would become a regular thing. I could make a killing selling vintage guitars on ebay-and with the magic thing thrown in...whoa.

Well, there was no go on the free axe front. I waited two days with no sign of the hand. I decided to go fishing.

I didn't have any worms to use for bait, so I just tied an old 45 of "Surfin' Bird" to the end of the line and tossed it in the water.

Right away I hooked into the biggest cat fish you've ever seen. Man, if you think you’ve ever seen a catfish bigger than this, than you must be mixing too much ben gay in with your nasal spray. You’ve never seen a whopper like this. I’ll bet you a herd of giraffes against a bobby pin that you haven’t. Not only was it big, but it was wearing sweat pants and a tuxedo jacket. I started to ask it what its name was , but just then a big meteor came out of the sky and landed right on the fish's tummy. The fish unleashed a robust cough that echoed like a three thousand ambulances taken down about thirty octaves. As the behemoth sound roared forth from the fish, a bass guitar shot from its stomach. When it hit the ground, there was a big explosion that turned a small rock formation into a drum set.

As though guided by the ghosts of rock legends, we took up our instruments and began to jam. The catfish on bass, the meteor on drums, and yours truly on guitar.

"What are your names?" I asked.

"Groves" said the Fish.

"Chuck" said the meteor.

We decided to name the band after my third cousin, hence the name Evil Wiener.

Wanna hear us? That’s what links are for!!!

Sunday, June 06, 2004

Evilution Pt 1

The Evilution of Planet Earth's Most Important Trio Pt 1

One day I went swimming at an old abandoned rock quarry that had filled up with rain water. I was all set to jump off the side when I noticed a ripple in the water. At first I thought it was a genuine 100% form fitting temperupedic mattress with twin pillows and a quarter inch quilted comforter/cover. But it wasn't. It was an arm. A human arm. It came up fist first out of the water and threw the goat.

All of a sudden the wind started blowing really hard. The arm plunged back underneath the quarry's miniscus and soon resurfaced holding a raspberry '74 Vintage Telecaster Custom (made in the USA for the Fender guitar company). Six bolts of lightning sprung from the heavens and struck each tuning head on the guitar’s neck. A raspberry laser shot from the instrument’s pickup and struck me in the forehead. The guitar then began playing by itself. It was a gnarly groove. Gosh I wish you could have heard it. You would have freaked. Whoa.

So anyway the wind blew me off of the side of the quarry and into the water. That very same wind whipped across the surface of the erstewhile lake and propelled me like a porpoise (not a dolphin, a porpoise, dude) towards the arm. When I got to it, I grabbed the guitar and started whaling out some killer riffs a la Dale (you know, Dale, from Chip and Dale, the cartoon... did you know that after he quit Disney he became one of the most highly respected under water guitar players in the history of all music? Well, he most dogone sure did!).

I soon found myself flying through the air, axe at the ready, still kicking out the jams. I landed on the shore of the quarry and gave a three and a half hour long concert for all the animals in and around the lake. A bunch of deer were moshing. A dragonfly was pissed off because the beavers never leave tips at the bar. But everyone was digging on the music.

Little did they know that I was only one third of the musical force that would ultimately re-align planet earth to an orbit of free mouth wash and good will.

Hear What This Trio ended up sounding like after recruiting musicians from all over the universe to join the noble cause of setting Earth back on its rightful path at: