Home of the Surreal O'Rama Song Poem Bizarre Lyrics Contest!!!


Saturday, February 26, 2005

Our Subterranean Nether World

I'm sorry I have been neglecting to write in this blog. It has been raining like crazy, and there was a bit of a flood. It flowed into the cave where I live and managed to pick up my inflatable mattress and propel it deeper into the cave than I ever would have thought was even possible. The flood emptied my bed and I into an underground river and then I discovered that Nosferatu had also been swept into the flood and was hanging onto the side of the mattress. His words lit up the endless pitch dark of our subterranean nether world and said:

"Will you give me a ride to the core of the Earth?"

I did, of course, and I'd have to say he's a much better travel companion than you'd think. He talked the entire time, which was great, because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to see. Not that I really needed to. The stream, according to Nosferatu, led right to the core of the earth, and the mattress was essentially unmaneuverable.

When we reached the earth's center Nosferatu, without flashing a word, jumped off of the mattress and flung himself into the giant ball of fire. Huge flaming letters shot from the burning sphere and spelled out the word "OUCH". The letters illuminated the sunken kingdom at the Earth's Center and Nosferatu shot from the core and was bright white with blue and orange flames raging from his back. He plunged into the underground river and the water began to steam. He threw himself against the mattress and it burst open. The air from the mattress reacted with the flames on Nosferatu's back and propelled us like a rocket to the front room of the cave.

Once there, Nosferatu leaped behind the bar and into the screen of the television. It turns out, his movie was scheduled to play at 8, so he just barely made it in time.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Broth from the Heavens

The UPS man showed up early this morning with a package for Chuck-who had no memory of ordering anything from anyone-but promptly opened the package anyway. Beneath the brown paper, was a colorful box displaying these words:

"Telescoping Soup Stilts. Perform death defying stunts while making sure that you never go hungry again."

It took our friend Chuck no time whatsoever to liberate the contents of the box, which were rectangular flourescent grey things made of some substance never before experienced by yours truly. They extended and collapsed as the name "telescoping" would imply.

We took these new marvels outside, and soon Chuck was far above the ground walking on the stilts. He informed us that he was going around the block, and soon returned with a piping hot bowl of Smoked Chicken with Roasted Corn Chowder.

"I looked up in a tree and there it was, resting on a limb. Steaming and delicious. There was even a spoon and a napkin with it."

Without hesitating, yours truly jumped on the stilts and before I knew it I was looking down at the street. Groves and Chuck seemed so small. I could see the tops of buildings, and on top of an especially attractive ranch house, I found a nice mug of split-pea gumbo (no onions).

Groves had the next turn. He said he was going for some genuine chinese won-ton action. He got on the stilts and took off like NASA's Mars Polar Lander spacecraft and we haven't seen him since.

Tell him I said hi if you run into him.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Kudos from the Sea

Beatrice, a self propelled bicycle (manufactured back in the day-literally) came rolling up to the street this afternoon after having watched Facts of Life reruns with a dugong (yes, we thought they were extinct too) at the bottom of the ocean. She could tell I was impressed.

"Oh, but that's nothing" She said.

"Really" I replied.

"I mean, yeah, it's cool and all, but get this: I met this pirate and he told me about a toothpick that could sing any song he could name."

A part of me was sad to be reminded of the Singing Toothpick™-which of course is/was my invention. The problem with creating things like Singing Toothpicks™ is that once they start doin their thang they develop such a taste for it that they run away to seek their own fortunes, which is what happened in this case. The other part of me, however, was happy that my creation was making such a name for itself.

I really wish I could remember how I made that thing.